I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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