There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
