Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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