you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
