I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
