i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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