this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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