We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
