my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
