You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
