So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
