4 words: hood of his car
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
this must be what syphilis tastes like
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize