You made me cry and you don't even care
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
