I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
it's like heaven, but drunker
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
