my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
