this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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