apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
