I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
