Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
