They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
