I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
