i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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