I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
