I think I just saw someone hide a body.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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