She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
