Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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