i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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