i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
