Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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