Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
