I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
