You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
