we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
