I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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