I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
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