I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Houston, we have a squirter
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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