i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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