Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Randomize
