I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
