My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize