She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
