I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
