I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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