I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
