If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
