Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
