my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
