is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
