We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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