I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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