Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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