when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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