I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
