I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
