if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
