I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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