he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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