so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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