Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
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