I showed him my bush... on skype.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
